Raising Boys with Purpose

by Tony Chen

You may have seen that we here at Savvy Daddy have recently added a distinguished Panel of Experts. You can see their bios here, but basically these folks are profs, physicians, clinicians, and academics that are savvy gurus on topics relevant to us dads trying to raise great kids.  These experts have been gracious enough to answer real questions from real dads - email me your questions (tony at savvydaddy dot com) and I'll be passing along the most relevant & compelling questions to them.  Today, we are honored to present to you Michael Gurian, a NYT best selling author of 25 books about parenting children in our culture.

Dad Question: In your book THE PURPOSE OF BOYS, you mention that 85% of the world's Ritalin is given to boys in the U.S.?  Why do you think that is the case? 

Gurian:  American families are confused about what developmental path boys ought to be on.  Given what immense variety of boys there are, we become even more confused.  We forget that boys are on a different developmental path than girls, maturing concentration and focus centers in the brain somewhat later, and needing some different kinds of care than girls do in order to fully direct their "boy energy" and find their gifts, abilities, success, focus, and discipline.  Ritalin is a powerful drug that "fills in the blanks" for us when we don't know what to do with boys.  While some boys do desperately need it, most boys (especially at seven or younger) don't.  What they need is a three family system, and clearer direction toward success, purpose, service, and follow through.

Dad Question: What would you recommend I do if the teacher believes my 7-year-old son needs to be medicated?

Gurian: THE MINDS OF BOYS has a chapter that lays out five steps to take.  Included in these are:  get two opinions from two psychologists or neuro-psychologists trained in male brain development.  7 years old is VERY young to be medicating.  Watch out.  And remember, though teachers and pediatricians are brilliant people, they are generally not qualified to diagnose a boy (especially if just basing their diagnosis on personal observation) with a brain disorder.

Dad Question: I'm a little discouraged by how difficult it is going to be to raise my son well in this culture that "wars" against boys.  Do you have any words of advice and encouragement for a young dad trying to raising purposeful sons?

Gurian:  SELF-EDUCATION is key here.  There is no "tip" or "magic bullet."  Fathering and mothering both go best when we become educated on the developmental path of our child, AND THEN trust our instincts.  THE PURPOSE OF BOYS and NURTURE THE NATURE are good tools for understanding.  They and most educational tools will ultimately help a father set up a structure for child-raising, in tandem with mother and extended family, that provides:  love, attention, discipline, direction.   A couple things to add:  even if you've been fathered or parented badly, you can re-educate yourself and then trust your instincts.  The soul of the father is vast and deep and loving--we do our work as men and we come through with good instincts, at some point in life.  Another thing to add:  it is great if moms and dads DO NOT parent the same way.  Don't worry if you are strong/silent but mom is talkative/emotional or you are talkative and mom is silent.  It's great for a boy to have more than one approach to developing his own variety of gifts and approaches.
 
Dad Question:  There is so much male-bashing and dad-bashing in the media.  How do we counteract that in our homes so that our sons can grow up with a healthy self-esteem?

Gurian: To grow up with healthy self-esteem, boys need the care of mother, father, and five other strong mentors during boyhood and adolescence.  Self-esteem is built through bonding relationships and task focus in a system of caregivers that is organized or "led" by the two parents, but then also expands beyond them.  If you have set up this system for your son, you'll find that he can even go through times of abject failure (i.e. where it appears his self-esteem is crushed) and he'll come through fine.  FAILURE IS GOOD FOR CHILDREN.  We only fear that it will lead to long term downsides for boys when we don't have in place a system of many "families" caring for the boy.  A final thing to add:  as much as possible, a man has to MODEL health for his son, including healthy spiritual time.  Do spiritual things with your son, like sitting by a river and praying/meditation (or whatever fits your spirituality or religion).  Model self-care for your son.  Admit your mistakes when you make them, and lead with your strengths when the boy needs your strength.  Your sons will thank you later in life (and so will your daughters, too!)

Have a question for Michael Gurian?  Send your questions to me via email (tony at savvydaddy dot com).